Mostly sketches. Occasionally a painting. Nothing political other than caricatures reinforcing the truism "Politics is Show Business for Ugly People".
Tuesday, April 07, 2015
I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!
I can't DEAL with this living situation ANYMORE!!!! It's WASTING too much of my TIME and my life.I'm SICK OF ALL THIS. I SHOULD stayed in San Diego and HAVE NEVER COME HERE. Worse part is I CAN'T LEAVE....I'm STUCK here! This is how it ends!!!! ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!
I'm a drowning man and I just realized it. I'm feeling so tired and frustrated. I can't even get any sleep anymore. The gloom outside this morning just set me off. Then the same drudging routine day in and day out with the folks. I miss my freedom and my solitude. But the fatigue is just killing me. I've been stretched too thin and can no longer juggle 2 things without getting flustered. Seeing San Diego commercials on TV all the time doesn't help either. Add to my Mid-Life realization that I didn't make it like I really wanted. Gave away too much time to the "Man" instead for nothing in return. I just don't feel that bounce in my heart like I did during all those other "start overs". Been 8 months already and it's seems like 8 years. Everything seems difficult and a struggle at this point. It's real disheartening.
I won't patronize you with sappy platitudes, but I will say that you aren't alone... you have friends I'm I think it's healthy that you come here and let people know what's going on. I don't know what you are going through... I've been very lucky with my life, more lucky than I probably deserve, and I know that it wouldn't take much to find myself in a much worse situation. We are here for you my friend. Hang in there!
Start doing stuff like getting on social media about creating freelance assets for games. You'd probably be moving to Seattle in a year if you get a vigorous freelance portfolio.
Feed yourself a couple of wins.
There's a guy at work that is a psychopath at bitching. But he was being enabled by another psychopath that shared the same work hours. Psycho 2 is now gone. Psycho 1 is now almost normal.
Money will heal you. Make some.
If you come up with a really good heist on the federal reserve system, I'm in.
Not being here will heal me. And I was working but problems and constant distractions here made it impossible to finish in a timely manner as I see it. So working at home IS a BIGGER problem than working at an office SAD to say. So the problem is WHERE I'm at. It takes up TOO much of my time (Every 10 minutes it would seem having to deal with some problem) and I have no way out at this point. No money to put them in a home. Even getting out is a problem anymore. I'm going stir crazy.
I just spent 5 seconds- SCREAMING at my 82 year old Mother because of something my dumb brother did. My skin is a millimeter thin. I'm an idiot and I'm at least as stuck as you. Back to work. Or I'll try and work while I swim in shame and rage.
Hang in there you guys. Nothing's as tuff as a crappy living situation--and it sounds like you're both stuck in some deep dark stuff. It ain't easy...but as long as you are still kickin', you've still got a chance. A chance to change things...a chance to move forward. I like what you're talkin' about, Elz--keep on keepin' on, dude!
There is so many mornings I can empty urine bottles, Crush pills for feeding tube digestion, Feeding tube feeding, cleaning shit covered toilets etc. It'like I'm a damn medical orderly. Then I have to help Mother eat, dress, escort in walking as she's losing control of her legs etc. All this before NOON. Oh and Feed the Geriatric cat too. Plus the house smells of OLD people. There is a point then I lose it. As I did the other day. My BIG getting out Day sends me to Walmart to do the shopping. It's getting to me. I miss my OLD life, My OLD place, my OLD way of life. Miss my haunts, places to eat, driving down to the beach on the 101. Ugh!
15 comments:
This is a cry for help, yes...?
I'm a drowning man and I just realized it. I'm feeling so tired and frustrated. I can't even get any sleep anymore. The gloom outside this morning just set me off. Then the same drudging routine day in and day out with the folks. I miss my freedom and my solitude. But the fatigue is just killing me. I've been stretched too thin and can no longer juggle 2 things without getting flustered. Seeing San Diego commercials on TV all the time doesn't help either. Add to my Mid-Life realization that I didn't make it like I really wanted. Gave away too much time to the "Man" instead for nothing in return. I just don't feel that bounce in my heart like I did during all those other "start overs". Been 8 months already and it's seems like 8 years. Everything seems difficult and a struggle at this point. It's real disheartening.
I won't patronize you with sappy platitudes, but I will say that you aren't alone... you have friends I'm I think it's healthy that you come here and let people know what's going on. I don't know what you are going through... I've been very lucky with my life, more lucky than I probably deserve, and I know that it wouldn't take much to find myself in a much worse situation. We are here for you my friend. Hang in there!
Thanks...Rick & Marty
Really sorry to hear how hard it's been Jim. I hope life takes a turn for the better soon for you so you can get back some of your old life.
Start doing stuff like getting on social media about creating freelance assets for games. You'd probably be moving to Seattle in a year if you get a vigorous freelance portfolio.
Feed yourself a couple of wins.
There's a guy at work that is a psychopath at bitching. But he was being enabled by another psychopath that shared the same work hours. Psycho 2 is now gone. Psycho 1 is now almost normal.
Money will heal you. Make some.
If you come up with a really good heist on the federal reserve system, I'm in.
Not being here will heal me. And I was working but problems and constant distractions here made it impossible to finish in a timely manner as I see it. So working at home IS a BIGGER problem than working at an office SAD to say. So the problem is WHERE I'm at. It takes up TOO much of my time (Every 10 minutes it would seem having to deal with some problem) and I have no way out at this point. No money to put them in a home. Even getting out is a problem anymore. I'm going stir crazy.
This is something I do to relax. Make dumb little musical compositions with garageband. Might be something to put your brain in a better place. I referred to that psycho earlier. What he most needs to do is fill his brain with other than his usual negativity." Listen to some Tony Robbins , dumb ass." I want to tell him. I'm in the same boat Jim. I'm surrounded by foot in the grave family that are half crazy and got the cheery health of a TB ward. Complete self destructivenees everywhere I look. I want a lot more for myself. I have to be calm and say, OK, I'm here. I'll turn on the computer and do something.
Creating is always a tonic.
I just spent 5 seconds- SCREAMING at my 82 year old Mother because of something my dumb brother did.
My skin is a millimeter thin.
I'm an idiot and I'm at least as stuck as you.
Back to work.
Or I'll try and work while I swim in shame and rage.
Elz...Jimmy....
Hang in there you guys. Nothing's as tuff as a crappy living situation--and it sounds like you're both stuck in some deep dark stuff. It ain't easy...but as long as you are still kickin', you've still got a chance. A chance to change things...a chance to move forward. I like what you're talkin' about, Elz--keep on keepin' on, dude!
Gorham is some sort of siamese twin pariah. Things were going pretty good, kinda, lately.
They just exploded tonight. Drunk brother, just falling down. Mother screaming, me being done with the idiocy.
They both want me out.
I will try and get out. And if I'm out and in Oklahoma where I have to pay money to live, fuck being in Oklahoma.
I've got 1000 bucks. Total.
There is so many mornings I can empty urine bottles, Crush pills for feeding tube digestion, Feeding tube feeding, cleaning shit covered toilets etc. It'like I'm a damn medical orderly. Then I have to help Mother eat, dress, escort in walking as she's losing control of her legs etc. All this before NOON. Oh and Feed the Geriatric cat too. Plus the house smells of OLD people. There is a point then I lose it. As I did the other day. My BIG getting out Day sends me to Walmart to do the shopping. It's getting to me. I miss my OLD life, My OLD place, my OLD way of life. Miss my haunts, places to eat, driving down to the beach on the 101. Ugh!
You got more than me Ellis. that 5 month of EBay NOTHING just killed me. and now taking on the freelance job helps but it doesn't come in fast enough.
Ellis, why would they both want you out? Sounds like you are the only sane thing holding the household together?!
As much as you've done for your brother over the years Ellis. He's got NO reason to say anything.
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